I'm going to get real here during this blog entry. Here's the thing, I feel so much pressure every day, not only from the outside world, but from a place deep within that is constantly whispering in my ear "What you're doing isn't good enough. YOU aren't good enough, and you never will be. Why are you even trying? You're messing up. You're messing your kids up, your marriage, your work, your ENTIRE LIFE. What you are doing is meaningless. People are laughing at you. Judging you. Shaming you. You're an imposter. Stop now. Quit. Give up. Go home. Stay home."
I have to believe I'm not the only one. Does any of that sound familiar to you? When I opened this blank entry and started to brainstorm what I wanted to say, I wanted to talk about how much I love my kids (because I do--deeply, so much that it hurts me to my core sometimes), I wanted to talk about how motherhood changed me (because it did, it changed me very literally on a biological level), and I wanted to talk about how it's been a learning process (because it has, every damn day, and it will be until the end of time). But I stopped, mostly because I realized even in doing that I wasn't being honest, or real. I want so desperately to be a person and a place that people relate to because they instinctively recognize an unspoken truth in the experiences I share.
To do that though, I had to share the authentic battle that happens in my mind every single day. That voice, the horrible one that tries to make me feel like stopping something before I even start, that keeps me up at night worrying about if what I did today was enough for my family, I had to share that. Some people call it "the resistance", or to some people it's quite literally the Devil speaking the ugliest things into your mama heart to keep you far, far away from your truth--which is that you are a LIGHT. You were meant to be, and you can be, and you will be. Not just a light to your children, and your husband, and your family and friends, but to the world.
For me that ugly voice gets really FREAKING loud, almost deafening when I know I'm on the verge of stepping into an adventure that MEANS something. When it can bring light to the world, when it can give a voice to other people, when it can facilitate connection rather than separation. It was awful when I started my first blog, it was TERRIBLE when I contemplated starting Hold the Space Wellness, and quite frankly I had to yell at the top of my lungs for it to "shut the $%# up" when we embarked on a podcast. Do you ever feel that way?
Isn't that what we're all looking for? Finding someone, anyone that sees you, hears you, and says "YES. You aren't alone. I feel you. I know who you are, and I see myself in you." The world can be a terribly lonely place for anyone, but human connection, especially in the MAMA world is ESSENTIAL to life--not just in the way that we need other people to help us physically, but that we need to have people in our lives to share our experiences with on a SOUL-ular level.
My hope for you is that by sharing my truth, you feel freedom to share yours. Do you have a SOUL tribe? A SOUL sister? If you don't, do you feel the absence? And if you do, how has it affected your ability to fight that voice that tells you that you aren't good enough?
My challenge to you is to share your story...here, with someone in real life, to a special person you've been longing to connect with. But there's one caveat. It has to be the TRUTH. Ugly voices and all. Because the only goal of the resistance is to stop you from spreading truth, love, and light into the world. To keep you hidden, and closed off, and critical. Think about what you have to share with the world, and go do it. One step at a time, even if that first step is just whispering back to the ugliness that it's WRONG. Eventually that whisper will grow into a roar, and you'll wonder how you ever heard that FILTHY voice in the first place.